Saturday, October 23, 2010
Well, I will later, because now I have to write two papers by Monday.
But I'm letting you know that my blog is soon coming to an end. At least this one.
I am starting a new blog at an undisclosed location. Sorry.
I haven't been honest with you all.
Because I want to be happy about everything, but I don't know if I can begin to figure out how.
My New York post will probably be my last on this site address.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
"You... sound surprised."
"No, you just look very different."
"Are you here alone?"
"No, my date's dancing."
"Who are you here with?"
"Why? You didn't want a date?"
"No one asked."
"What? No one? I find that really hard to believe."
"Well... Ya know. Thanks."
"At least I got to see it. Someone appreciates it."
"Thanks. I'd better go. Bye."
"Bye. Have fun."
I'm so sorry
That I can't feel for you
The way you feel for me.
(I really am)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I miss holding a hand that held mine.
I miss the whispered, "I missed you."
I miss the airtight hugs when we say goodbye.
I miss kissing.
I miss having a boy like me enough to risk my flaws and go for it.
And I really miss that I used to be missed.
I really do......
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I would like to say I made it at least until the car... But that would be a lie. I didn't even make it through fourth quarter. I didn't stop when I was marching home or when I tripped on the curb and crashed to the ground, snare drum clattering away. I didn't stop when I changed. And it only got worse in the car.
I have never had to pull over or cry like I did. All because of the boy in Chicago.
But he's not allowed to know...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
There's a girl who I have only heard bad things about. She keeps telling one girl that no one wants her in their homecoming group and that she's being uninvited. The same girl she harrassed has a sunburn on her left cheek. Today, after a band show, she walks up to the girl and says, "Hey _____, you've got something on your face." BAM. She smacks her across the burned side of her face. HARD. And laughs.
The girl she smacked grabbed her cheek and gasped. Her eyes were tearing up.
Not done yet, the evil girl turns to a boy sitting nearby and says, "Hey, hit her left cheek."
At which point, I turned towards her and said, "Hey, don't be a-" BITCH. "Never mind."
I could tell she could hear it coming. But I stopped myself. Because I love and respect her parents and her sisters. And I looked at her and she looks like her sister, who I love.
What I should have said:
"Have some human decency. I have heard nothing good about you this year and you're living up to that image. And it's not flattering. You need to make a good impression when you're new in this school. I'm not impressed with how you act and you should really try to be decent. That's really all I ask."
But I didn't. I turned on my heel and left. I shouldn't have left.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Which would you rather:
- Have someone you love die.
- Have the same someone alive, but they don't know who you are and you can see their mind slipping.
Because I've dealt with both in the past month.
And I prefer the first.
Then I can pretend she knew me until the end.
And then I don't have to smile like it's okay when I can feel my body swell with the tears I hold behind my eyes.
I know I'm a bad person.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The happy is that I got scheduled for my new job yesterday and I start work on Friday and I'm super pumped.
The heartbreaking is that my grandma died yesterday. That, I don't want to talk about.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
I was driving back home, just jammin' to some sweet tunes(:P) and I thought I heard something slightly alarming. I turned down the music: sirens. I heard sirens.
So, I look in my rearview and this ambulance is charging at me! So, I mean, of course I pulled over. But I about pooped!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I never thought retail therapy could make me feel so happy.
I first saw these in December, the day my ex and I started dating. We were hanging out in the mall and I wandered into Journeys. I saw them and was in love. He asked if I wanted to try them on. Did I want to try them on? More than anything. I pet them gently, ran my fingers over the sequins and threads. Lust sparked in my eyes. I glanced at him and set them regretfully on the shelf. I lied and we moved on.Four months, almost to date, after we broke up, I finally got them.
It just goes to show, women don't need men to be happy. Sometimes they just need a beautiful pair of shoes. :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
1. Ice cream with Hannah
2. Girls' alumni soccer game
3. Boys' alumni soccer game
My family decided to go see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and it was really good. But I had to cancel with Hannah and I only saw the second half of the girls' game. Then I went to Hannah's house with her and Halle for margarita pizza and salad.
I never got to the boys' game. I thought about going and I would have rather shot myself in the foot. So, I said toodaloo to Hannah and Halle and got in the truck. I'd planned on going home, but I changed my mind, so I tried to find a place to park near the college to walk. But I wasn't sure if I was allowed because all the parking lot signs had these permit numbers on them.
I found a spot. And then I got back in the truck. I was on College Avenue, then I turned and drove straight for about maybe 20 minutes. I just drove until there were tunnels of trees and new street signs, windows open, oldies music playing.
Then I pulled into a driveway, turned around, and drove right back.
I sat for a while, then went to McDonalds to check Redbox movies. After that, I got a Slurpee, a huge one. After a few large gulps, I stared down at it.
Eating my feelings. Gulping them, in this case. I'm a girl who does that, turns her feelings to food. Then I wondered, what feelings am I gulping? What feelings deserve a Slurpee?! Clearly I have no clue. So I threw it away still full.
I went to the soccer field and ran a lap, which means I sprinted half, walked part, and then jogged to the truck.
Then I drove around and went home crying. I still don't know why. Long shower and two chick flicks. Here I am.
My friends are all busy, meaning that my sister and her BFF are on senior trip and my one other friend who it's not weird to hang out with is busy with tennis and her boyfriend and other activities.
Turns out that over summer, I lost my ability to squeeze into the jean size above the one I usually wear. How do I skip a whole size? I blame the cookies.
Since jean shopping clearly didn't work, I went for a little retail therapy of the shoe variety. Then I got some books and-surprise, surprise- ate until my breaking point. Literally until the point I felt sick.
Then I watched DH and ANTM and wondered to myself why all the shows I watch have acronyms.
Also, I haven't seen my sister in 8 days and I miss her. :(
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
That's what I don't like about this job. I truely care about them and I feel proud of them and thank God they're good people. And I feel like a weirdo to feel any attachment to kids I've know less than a month. But we all have something in common and that is that we have to say goodbye to both the people and the place.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I'll miss so many people.
I hate wondering if I'll see everyone again. I hate making camp friends, because eventually you have to say goodbye and they could be as far as Tokyo.
Camp has so become my life. I have roughly 200 younger brothers and 30 older brothers this year. But that's just a guess.
I want to start hugging people now and not let go until Saturday. I want to keep them with me.
If I could wrap you weathered & cold in tissue paper like pressing flowers between bricks
I'd keep you.
My heart goes out to you.
- Elsa Taylor
I miss them already.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
"Songs nowadays are only about sexuality and love."
WHO CARES! People LIKE songs about sexuality and love! They can relate!
He drove me so crazy, I honestly asked him to repeat what he had said so I could walk out of the room while he was talking. Three times. And I feel no shame.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It was the first time ever that I thought maybe things might be okay when Elyse goes to college. Sure, I'll miss her a lot. But I think I can see myself still having fun at home.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Lately I'm having really weird dreams. Really weird, about homeless children and people getting upset that I get a job. I hurt my ankle at work, taking out the garbage. I'm not entirely sure how though.
I found some great Shakespearean quotes:
His kisses are Judas' own children.
Dear Lady Disdain!
Pluto and Hell!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'm sorry I miss you still.
I'm sorry I can't move on.
I'm sorry I still cry in public.
I'm sorry I can't drink Cherry Coke.
I'm sorry I can't watch Office Space.
I'm sorry I feel lonely, but refuse to say something.
I'm sorry I wish you'd hurt her.
I'm sorry I hide behind books.
I'm sorry I never knew how to help.
I'm sorry I've fallen to my knees in defeat.
I'm sorry I listen to the CD and feel like I still have you.
I'm sorry I save messages of your apologies and missing me messages.
I'm sorry I want to erase you.
I'm sorry I still write you letters.
I'm sorry I kissed your scars.
I'm sorry I cried in front of you.
I'm sorry I snapped when you wanted to pay for coffee.
I'm sorry I helped you hurt her like you hurt me.
I'm sorry I have so much to apoligize for.
I need to learn to let go. I feel more mad at myself than I do at those responsible. It's not my fault, but I feel like it is, like it will always be this way, that I'm not worthy of being loved or even cared about. I thought I was fun and pretty and witty and great
.But that was before they took everything
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Up and around,
down and around.
Leaving my stomache behind.
After work, I went to the cabin and slept until 1:20, 20 minutes before I had to babysit. Productive day...
Oooooh, I just realized how that sounded. I don't throw up on purpose. That doesn't stop my body from disobeying is what I meant.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
I hate that I still feel fluttery whgen he and I talk, although I wouldn't date him again. I hate that I'm terribly sad when he mentions other girls. I hate that I'm still a mess.
But I knew we weren't right. I knew we wouldn't end up together. But I absolutely refused to end it. I couldn't do it. His cheating was a big, glowing, neon sign that it was time, but I still didn't. It was only when I felt like he was saying that I wasn't good enough that I ended it, in tears.
I missed him. But I survived, didn't I? Don't we all want happiness, don't we all deserve it?
Adrian... He was my first kiss, date, boyfriend, long distance, cheater, and heartbreak. We both had our own issues that we didn't want to share. And I don't think I would undo anything I did. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm a stupid girl, but I refuse to stop believing in fairytales. I want to find mine.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I've worked, gone to Borders practically every night since I got to camp, and have been waiting for the nonexistent letters people promised to send me.
We dug a hole. Yes, a hole. And it was spectacular. The best hole one could ever hope to dig. And sand chairs. :)
I broke down last night. Not a proud time, just sat on the porch and cried, thinking aabout how pathetic I feel and how awful everything is and how LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG it takes me to just. Move. On.
I've written three letters, received none, and am reading like I always do.
I have a meeting about Blood Born Pathogens in half an hour. Trust me, it sounds better than it is. Probably Borders tonight, a few tears seem inevitable, and movies. Many movies. Maybe a walk alone, just to clear my head. It's so cluttered with useless information, it'll be nice to just do a clean sweep of the stuff that piles up like dynamite. And trust me, that makes sense.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
And then I looked down at the jeans I was wearing. The jeans. The ones he wrote on. The ones he covered in japanese writing and drawings and animal noises. The ones that said, "Adrian is here" with my hand writing below it, "But he isn't." The jeans that I had stain sticked multiple times without the ink coming out. The jeans that possessed that ink that I didn't think would outlast the relationship. But it had.
So I tore. And tore. And tore. And it felt good. It felt right and free and fun. And I smiled the whole time. I was freeing myself.
I could breathe.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I don't know how to have fun by myself. I realized this when I was at Show Choir Camp this past week. When my dance partner and I got something right, he put his fist out. You know what I did? I stared. And stared. What am I supposed to do? I don't..... Oh. Fist bump.
Am I really that clueless? It's a fist bump! I was staring at his curled fingers like it was a different language. I don't understand.
Today I got my grade card: A+, A, A, A-, and then, like an ugly purple bruise: B
See, I had fun looking at those grades until I got to the B. There went my day. After all 19 bonus points I earned and all that work, a B scarred me. My intelligence is my strength. I can't do sports, I can't act, I'm not funny in the right way, and we all know that I'm not meant to be a star in music. But my grades and tutoring kids and writing and reading books? That's what I'm good at. I understand that.
Because I don't understand everything else.
Basically, the world's turning too fast for me to slow down.
I can't comprehend
Why I come to mind last
I want to slow down
Life's going too fast
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I'm so far away from the world I want. I want a world of blanket coccoons and honeyed sunshine and dewdrop kisses. A world of purple butterflies and cherry pie and poems that melt on the tongue. A world of cherry trees and goosebumps and watermelon. A world of dancing and sunrises and fresh nail polish. Receiving letters, popsicles, sweet rain, rolling thunder, waves that scrape the sand and crash over seashells. Singing birds and eskimo kisses and grass soft as kitten's fur and lemonade and lovely sore muscles. But like I said, I'm so far away from the world I want.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Check them out when you get a chance. Carbon Leaf.
Friday, June 4, 2010
1. Far is my favourite place to travel.
2. When I think of my childhood, I often remember music.
3. Understanding makes for a good friend.
4. The wind in the trees, the rain on my skin, I am prepared to soak it in.
5. Summer is so exciting!
6. My best friend knows nothing.
7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going on a walk, tomorrow my plans include singing, and on Sunday, I want to dance.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Because I kind of did last night. And I went to bed without anyone saying good night. And I'm used to someone saying good night, so when I fell asleep without it, it was sad. When no one's around to say two simple words, it's one of the loneliest feelings in the world.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
They looked too cocky and tough and I thought I would enjoy watching their starry egos drop down a few knotches, but these reject cookies really just pissed me off. Thought I would let that be known.
Monday, May 31, 2010
And for some reason, I crave school work right now. Math homework or an english paper or SOMETHING. Don't ask why. I haven't the slightest clue.
Then Wednesday I'm going to take ONE exam, the first of the day, and then chill in town probably. Go to that bench I pretend no one else knows about and journal or listen to music. Something profound and deep and hopefully helpful to my terribly lost soul. Lost and tired. And not close to my skin. I feel like I'm too small for my body and I'm not sure that makes sense.
Thursday I go to school for the last exam of the day and that's it. I'll pretend I'm going to do something productive like go on a run or do some laundry, but I'll really end up sleeping until noon, eating lunch, and then skedaddling to school.
After that... I want to say I'm excited for the free summer weeks at home, but I just want to go to camp. Although I don't go to church in the summer, I feel so close to God. It's hard not to when you see His beautiful work everywhere. I want to hang out with other work friends and get London Fogs at Bud's while my sister and I journal.
I want the simplicity of camp, where I work, journal, drink coffee, and listen to the magic made in the music buildings.
I need this summer.
So began the Great Cat Hunt. We knew which cat it was mostly because he hadn't come running for food all day. The cat, Ares, was trapped somewhere. And at one in the morning? I was happy to let him stay trapped until I was rested enough to deal with the little, furry ball of evil. But no, we had to find him at 1 A.M. Because everyone else was awake! And I might as well be, although 8 hours later I'll be expected to carry a snare drum on my shoulders in 90 degree weather.
So, in a sleepy haze, I started yelling, "Ares, stop being an idiot. Where ARE YOU?" Then I started whispering pathetically, "I just want to go to sleep. That's all I want." And repeat back to the yelling.
Eventually my sister found him, between the basement ceiling and the ground-floor floor, when she got boosted onto a fridge and then onto a filing cabinet thing by her boyfriend. Then there was the issue of pulling the little thing out because he decided this would be his summer home, where he could be closer to Satan. So he refused to leave.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I like the way you warm my hand
When mine's too cold to bear- true
I love it when I need you
And you're already there- false
I like the way you hug me
When I've had a rotten day- false
I like the way you wipe away tears
When there's nothing there is to say- false
I like the way you kiss me- true
And would never ever lie- wrong.
I like the way you smile- true
And could never make me cry- false
I like the way you love me- no
And we're never far apart- about that...
Even if I like all this
You could still break my heart- true
This is kind of therapeutic.
Friday: My family came all the way from Kansas to see my sister graduate. Her party was on Friday and the flowers were beautiful. She displayed some photos I had taken of her and pictures on a board of everything. I find it interesting how for manual cameras, I called the product photos, but for anything else, it's pictures. But I digress.
We partied and... stuff? We stopped by one of her old friends' grad parties. She was very friendly (and very pregnant) when she gave us hugs. Then we went home and... did what? I haven't the slightest idea.
Saturday: I went to Shelb's grad party and then my brother took me to Evan's and Christian's parties. Christian has AWESOME food and I met his mom, along with everyone else who wondered where she'd been. Then I went home and chilled. I know, I'm so boring.
Then, I was called to the basement where, for ten minutes, I literally sat there and watched my sister shave calluses off her feet and then pumice-stone them and then use some other bizarre tool to smooth them out. I'm not kidding. Ten minutes. Without music. Just sitting on the bathtub edge. She has an obsession.
Then, I got ready (in about ten minutes total, I might add), which involved putting on my whole outfit and makeup. Waterproof makeup.
Once at the school I found someone to carry my sister's flute into the gym bleachers and THEN I had to find Alex's car in the crowded lot only with the clue that her car was dark green and the windows were down. After finding it, I searched for the trunk button to get out her saxophone, hoping that this was in fact her car and not someone else's. Then Drew came to the rescue! Yay Drew! I got the sax, again hoping I wasn't stealing an innocent person's beloved instrument, and lugged it back into the school to put it together and move it to the bleachers. Guess how long this whole paragraph took in real life. Ten minutes! That is a very significant amount of time for me.
I was crying before the slideshow was over and I held multiple people's hands as they stood in line to receive their diplomas.
Once we were home, Elyse and I changed and waited for Shelb and Aaron to be ready. Then we went to Christian's house again and pigged out.
I saw my friend Nic there. Here's what you need to know about Nicky:
1. He's gay.
2. He's a slut.
3. He parties.
4. I absolutely love that kid.
He smelled like cigarettes (surprise, surprise).
Anyway, then I went home and watched a movie with my cousins, Ashley and Zane. They both fell asleep at some points, I think. Then we all went to bed.
Today: I went to church, which was exhausting considering I was up till 1:30 and then an alarm went off at 5:30 for my cousins to leave. Then to Bob's party, where I talked to people I'm not entirely close to.
My brother took me to Eli's party. He lives out on a farm and it was, by far, the best party I've gone to yet. And I don't know why. It was in and out his small garage and there was sweet tea and lemonade. His smile is cute and I knew nothing about him really before today.
Sadly, we left and went home. Then we went to Zach's party. He invited me to another party later on and I said maybe and then my sister refused to drive me there because, "If you can get a ride then whatever but I'm not going to be responsible for you tonight. Once again I'm not trying to be a jerk but I only get one graduation weekend and I just want to hang out with my friends and not have to worry about you. And I will. Because I always do."
1. I understand it's her graduation, but I WAS invited.
2. She acts like I need a babysitter. I can take care of myself, I'm just late in getting my license.
3. It's not my fault she worries like she does. She has no reason to.
4. She's encroached on my fun before and didn't care. I feel a bit entitled, although that kind of makes me a bitch.
"Really this would be hanging out with MY friends. I'm not asking you to hang out with people I KNOW you would be uncomfortable around."
1. They could have been my friends if she didn't talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm only about 1 1/2 years younger and she tries to hold it over my head like it's a victory. Good job, grab a Tootsie Roll, we all know this.
2. She's asked me to be in uncomfortable situations before. How is this different?
So now, guess where I am! At home watching Harry Potter. Yay. Fun night.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
So many things are changing. Ever since I get these glasses, it's like I not only see things in 3D. I can see the changes and I don't like it. I'm not good with change.
People I've known all my life are graduating and I'm scared I'll never see some of them again. It's happened. We grow up and apart and we don't realize it until we see people who used to be our best friends and wonder how long they've had glasses or been dating that new guy or lost all that weight. It's terribly sad. And now I'm seeing it clearly.
And there's nothing I can do to stop the swirling world and the twisting clock and the setting sun. The moon's going to wane whether I want it to or not and I won't realize it until it's back at full blast, shining a silver light through my window. And then it's like seeing that old friend again. Talking to the man on the moon and seeing that he has aged.
I feel like time's moving so fast that I can't even start living, like it's too late to have a life and make friends.
Because friends move and die and change.
And then they're just photographs of people you knew once.
Where were you three hours ago?
On the way from one grad party to another
When was the last time you drove out of town?
Um... I'm not sure. Maybe to Findlay with my mentor for dinner.
What was the last movie you saw?
Again, I don't know. Date Night, I think
What are the plans for tonight?
What is the next trip you are going to take?
To Interlochen, probably.
What is your strangest experience in food?
I tried squid or octopus in biology.
Or the time my friend shoved a cricket cookie in my mouth... in Biology.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
But everything went downhill when we broke up. And getting back up is hard. Because I'm scared I'll go back down again.
He and I don't talk anymore. I don't even know if he's doing okay and I'm scared of that. I hate worrying, but I do and it sucks the fun out of everything. So I do the calling. And I stop worrying. And then something sets me off again. And I just hate a lot of things right now.
I thought I was getting over him. So I checked his facebook page. I was wrong.
1. Into the Ocean- Blue October: This is a terribly hard song for me to listen to, but I had my first kiss with this song playing. That might seem silly or that might make sense, but it's definitely significant to me.
2. Blackbird- The Beatles: When I was little, my dad played this on guitar every night before I fell asleep. It's the sounds of my childhood.
3. Be My Escape- Relient K: I just love it.
4. Siyahamba- (I don't know): It's a song of my life. It was there in my childhood and it's here now.
5. Soul Sister- Train(?): It's the saddest song in the world to me, but I love it anyway.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
-Drinks are anything clear- water, sprite, etc- And milk is neutral. Any other drink guidelines will be noted later.
-We dress for the occasion. Details noted later.
May 17, 2010: Day 1
Challenge: Green foods
The Idea: Anything green.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus Mountain Dew or green tea, and so on.
May 18, 2010: Day 2
Challenge: Brown foods
The Idea: Anything brown, beige, tan, etc.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus tea, coffee, brown sodas, and so on.
Dress: Anything brown.
May 19, 2010: Day 3
Challenge: Cheese foods
The Idea: Any dish dominated by cheese, like grilled cheese, mac&cheese, Cheezits. Things with cheese in the name are basically safe.
Drinks: Anything is free game, but if you want to take it to a new level, go ahead with drinking only cheese. Good luck with that.
Dress: Anything orange or yellow. But again, you can go above and beyond by making a suit of cheese. It would be handy if you get hungry midmorning.
May 20, 2010: Day 4
Challenge: Cold foods
The Idea: Anything cold. Even if it was once hot and is now cold, sure.
Drinks: Just ice what would be hot. Nothing I can think of would be gross iced.
Dress: Cool colours, simple enough. BUT, if you want to freeze your clothes the day before, feel free.
May 21, 2010: Day 5
Challenge: "C" Foods
The Idea: Foods that start with the letter 'C' like crackers, cereal, chips, carrots, etc. CANDY is too broad, the candy name must start with 'C'
Drinks: This hasn't really been discussed, but I assume the guideline drinks and anything that starts with 'C' like Coca-Cola.
Dress: I might wear a Cedarville shirt I got from Goodwill, I might dress Cute, or I might just paint a giant 'C' on an old shirt. So many options.
So, let us feast! ...Next week!
He cheated on me. Within two weeks of the beginning of our relationship. I found out about three months in. And I didn't break up with him. And then he got bored. And told me that he was 50/50 on our relationship. And at that point, I knew I couldn't keep going that way. And I've been told that he doesn't deserve me. Or that I'll find someone better. But I feel as if it was so abrupt. And he closed that door on me so completely. And I wish I still had him in my life. But I feel like he thought I wasn't good enough.
None of this helped the self esteem issues that I have that he pointed out to me. People told me that they'll protect me if talking to him is too hard to handle. And I shouldn't miss someone who everyone thinks I need protecting from.
But I'm terrified of being alone...