Sorry...

Oh, New York, New York, New York.... How to begin.
Well, I will later, because now I have to write two papers by Monday.
But I'm letting you know that my blog is soon coming to an end. At least this one.
I am starting a new blog at an undisclosed location. Sorry.
I haven't been honest with you all.
Because I want to be happy about everything, but I don't know if I can begin to figure out how.
My New York post will probably be my last on this site address.

Trips

I leave for NYC tomorrow morning at 7. :)

I'm excited. I've only been to Chicago. Don't get me wrong, Chicago's fine.

But it's no New York City.

It's my first of my big adventures. I just wish my sister could go with me.

Here

Secret Sunday: 5

I realize this is late. I'm sorry.

I sleep with tissues next to my bed.

Just in case.

I know

I know why you don't read this

It's not about what you thought of me

When you said 'good-bye'

It's about what I thought of me

When I asked you to reconsider

Over

I would say I'm sorry.
But I'm glad that is over.

Secret Sunday: 4

Everyone likes me better than I like me.
It doesn't take much.
But I'll never understand it.

Sorry

"Wow, you look great."
"You... sound surprised."
"No, you just look very different."
"Are you here alone?"
"No, my date's dancing."
"Oh."
"Who are you here with?"
"Myself."
"Why? You didn't want a date?"
"No one asked."
"What? No one? I find that really hard to believe."
"Well... Ya know. Thanks."
"At least I got to see it. Someone appreciates it."
"Thanks. I'd better go. Bye."
"Bye. Have fun."


I'm so sorry
That I can't feel for you
The way you feel for me.
(I really am)

BFFs?

We should be having sleepovers and getting ready together.
But I don't think you had that in mind...

Never

I hear the songs.

I've stopped crying because of their meaning.

I started crying because it never applied to me.

There was no promise

Or phone call

Not to me.

But you knew there was never a forever.

I didn't.

Here

Drift

I don't know how
I let myself drift from them.

Because I love those girls
To death.

Reply

With the truth I fall apart.

I answer them

With the lie they want

"Yeah, it's fine."

I try to ignore the questions.

I try to push it from my mind.

I try to pretend I don't have to reply.

Then I don't have to deal with saying it.

I'm sorry I do this.

Here

Friends

We could be great friends...

But I'm scared I'm not good enough...

Here

Alone

It's not that I miss him.

I miss holding a hand that held mine.
I miss the whispered, "I missed you."
I miss the airtight hugs when we say goodbye.
I miss kissing.
I miss having a boy like me enough to risk my flaws and go for it.
And I really miss that I used to be missed.

I really do......

Confidence

How do they expect me to have self-confidence...

When they don't even have the confidence in me?

Well...

No one new likes me. I don't like me. The only people who like me are the people who liked me when I liked me. Which I don't really anymore. I don't like it. Why do they?

Tomorrow

When tomorrow turned into yesterday, I realized I should do something about it.

But I don't think I know what.

Secret Sunday: 3

I'm only just realizing that this isn't temporary.

I can't expect you to save me anymore.

Here

Dream

Imagine this:

An East Coast town with a strong arts community.

You and me.

An art gallery with a cafe connected on the right. -->

That we own.

We can bake and curate and do art.

It's my dream.

Please say you love it.

Here

Yes

I love it when the staff workers ana a customer at a store help me convince my dad to buy me something.
All because I said, "Come on, dad. It's just one, little, innocent pen."

Fine

I was fine. Until something someone said reminded me of a thirteen-year-old boy in Chicago who I love and miss.

I would like to say I made it at least until the car... But that would be a lie. I didn't even make it through fourth quarter. I didn't stop when I was marching home or when I tripped on the curb and crashed to the ground, snare drum clattering away. I didn't stop when I changed. And it only got worse in the car.

I have never had to pull over or cry like I did. All because of the boy in Chicago.

But he's not allowed to know...

Here

Confirmed

Before, I thought that if it happened, it wouldn't bother me and I could shrug it off...

But having it confirmed changes everything...

Here

Strong

I thought I could be the type of strong girl who speaks her mind...

Here

But I'm losing faith in me.

I just wish they all weren't.

Waiting

Dammit, just kiss her!

She's waiting...

Here

Smile

I don't know why...But cupcakes make the world smile.

Here

Hate Her

I have never disliked someone as much.
There's a girl who I have only heard bad things about. She keeps telling one girl that no one wants her in their homecoming group and that she's being uninvited. The same girl she harrassed has a sunburn on her left cheek. Today, after a band show, she walks up to the girl and says, "Hey _____, you've got something on your face." BAM. She smacks her across the burned side of her face. HARD. And laughs.
The girl she smacked grabbed her cheek and gasped. Her eyes were tearing up.
Not done yet, the evil girl turns to a boy sitting nearby and says, "Hey, hit her left cheek."
At which point, I turned towards her and said, "Hey, don't be a-" BITCH. "Never mind."
I could tell she could hear it coming. But I stopped myself. Because I love and respect her parents and her sisters. And I looked at her and she looks like her sister, who I love.
What I should have said:
"Have some human decency. I have heard nothing good about you this year and you're living up to that image. And it's not flattering. You need to make a good impression when you're new in this school. I'm not impressed with how you act and you should really try to be decent. That's really all I ask."
But I didn't. I turned on my heel and left. I shouldn't have left.

Hesitation

It's amazing...

How I'll never feel good enough.

Because everyone hesitates when they hear my name.

Here

Secret Sunday: 2

Sometimes, I wish I could only worry about making myself happy.
Not everyone else.

Why?

If you feel that way...

Why wait?

Here

Small Things

Today, I saw a man sitting on a bench on Main Street. He was dressed in nice clothes and was smoking a pipe.

I don't know why, but this made me smile.

Here

Jitters

Nerves should seem ridiculous, because you know my answer.

But I understand.
Because you give me jitters...

Here

Here

11:07

Time waits for no one and nothing.

Time has it's own agenda.

Girl

I've never been one to give a boy a flirty note. And I've never been one to flounce.

But I'm slowly becoming that kind of girl.

(And I think I like it.)

Know

I found out that people who aren't required to think I'm beautiful actually think I'm beautiful...

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Because I need to know.

I need to know.

Here

Who

I don't know how to explain myself.
I'm not sure I even know who that is.

Secret Sunday

You said it seems like I want you to be miserable forever.

You're wrong.

I just want you to be miserable longer than me.

Here

A Bit

I had forgotten how loneliness felt. Only for a bit.

Here

Rather...

I'll tell you about my grandmother. But only because I feel it gnawing at my mind....

Which would you rather:
- Have someone you love die.
- Have the same someone alive, but they don't know who you are and you can see their mind slipping.

Because I've dealt with both in the past month.

And I prefer the first.
Then I can pretend she knew me until the end.
And then I don't have to smile like it's okay when I can feel my body swell with the tears I hold behind my eyes.

I know I'm a bad person.

Here

Truth

I'm trying to be honest.

I've heard it's the best policy.

But if ignorance is bliss...

Then what am I doing?

Here

Band

I considered quitting band today. I was in the worst mood. And we had marching practice. And my director blamed me for someone else screwing up.

He actually lectured me in front of the whole band on a microphone about how I should know when to come in on my drum. I did nothing.

It just made my day feel crappy and it made me cry.

Miss

I'm lonely, this is true. I shouldn't feel this way.

But they are who I miss. I hadn't realized that I'd given them up. What if I can't have them now?

It's hard to have two groups of friends who just don't mix. And I miss both groups....

New School Year

Ah, a new school year. I feel like I should be depressed or excited or something. But it's just another day.

Goals:
- Make that video of yearly clips
- All A's
- No exams
- Make friends
- Hang out more
- Control my sarcasm
- Dress nicely
- Wear makeup
- Be happy

Be Happy

The band A Rocket to the Moon is newer to me. But they make me feel like I did a year ago, before everything. And I missed that feeling. But it's hard to feel and be happy anymore. In fact, it makes me want to cry.

Here

Yesterday's Stuff

I have two things to say. One is happy and one is heartbreaking.
The happy is that I got scheduled for my new job yesterday and I start work on Friday and I'm super pumped.
The heartbreaking is that my grandma died yesterday. That, I don't want to talk about.

Goal

I'm setting a goal.

By this time next year, I'll have video clips.
And a song.
That makes my life look incredible.
When put together.

I'm terrified it will be boring.

Here

Believing

I refuse to stop believing...

In the power of fairytales and tutus.

Here

Sirens

So, today I was driving, right? Yes, right, this is not a negotiation. Anyway, I was returning movies to the Redbox movies. By the way, was anyone else surprised in Dear John when she not only marries someone while he's gone, but marries Tim and not the douchey jerk dude John punches first who's in love with her? I WAS TOO! But I digress.
I was driving back home, just jammin' to some sweet tunes(:P) and I thought I heard something slightly alarming. I turned down the music: sirens. I heard sirens.
So, I look in my rearview and this ambulance is charging at me! So, I mean, of course I pulled over. But I about pooped!

Satisfied

Does is make me a bad person to feel satisfaction that the person who hurt me isn't having his dreams come true?

Does it make me a bad person?
Because it could make me a bitch.

But it could also mean I'm scared people are better off without me.

Here

Tissues

There aren't enough tissues in the world...

For a girl like me.

Here

Wilted

I was thinking about it...


We should have broken up before you broke me...


Then I wouldn't hate myself even now...

Here

Mirror

Sometimes...

I wish I could look in the mirror...

And see someone beautiful.

Happiness is.

I know I overblog sometimes. Humor me.
I never thought retail therapy could make me feel so happy.

I first saw these in December, the day my ex and I started dating. We were hanging out in the mall and I wandered into Journeys. I saw them and was in love. He asked if I wanted to try them on. Did I want to try them on? More than anything. I pet them gently, ran my fingers over the sequins and threads. Lust sparked in my eyes. I glanced at him and set them regretfully on the shelf. I lied and we moved on.

Four months, almost to date, after we broke up, I finally got them.
It just goes to show, women don't need men to be happy. Sometimes they just need a beautiful pair of shoes. :)

Leave

I think I'm ready
to leave you behind.
(But I'm not ready


to be lonely yet.)

Here I am

Tonight, the plan for me was:
1. Ice cream with Hannah
2. Girls' alumni soccer game
3. Boys' alumni soccer game
4. Home.

What happened:
My family decided to go see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and it was really good. But I had to cancel with Hannah and I only saw the second half of the girls' game. Then I went to Hannah's house with her and Halle for margarita pizza and salad.
I never got to the boys' game. I thought about going and I would have rather shot myself in the foot. So, I said toodaloo to Hannah and Halle and got in the truck. I'd planned on going home, but I changed my mind, so I tried to find a place to park near the college to walk. But I wasn't sure if I was allowed because all the parking lot signs had these permit numbers on them.
I found a spot. And then I got back in the truck. I was on College Avenue, then I turned and drove straight for about maybe 20 minutes. I just drove until there were tunnels of trees and new street signs, windows open, oldies music playing.
Then I pulled into a driveway, turned around, and drove right back.
I sat for a while, then went to McDonalds to check Redbox movies. After that, I got a Slurpee, a huge one. After a few large gulps, I stared down at it.
Eating my feelings. Gulping them, in this case. I'm a girl who does that, turns her feelings to food. Then I wondered, what feelings am I gulping? What feelings deserve a Slurpee?! Clearly I have no clue. So I threw it away still full.
I went to the soccer field and ran a lap, which means I sprinted half, walked part, and then jogged to the truck.
Then I drove around and went home crying. I still don't know why. Long shower and two chick flicks. Here I am.

Life as of 8.14.10

I had to play lead snare in band yesterday, because Liz was gone. I shouldn't be lead next year, I can't play. I can't lead. I can't do freaking rimshots.
My friends are all busy, meaning that my sister and her BFF are on senior trip and my one other friend who it's not weird to hang out with is busy with tennis and her boyfriend and other activities.
Turns out that over summer, I lost my ability to squeeze into the jean size above the one I usually wear. How do I skip a whole size? I blame the cookies.
Since jean shopping clearly didn't work, I went for a little retail therapy of the shoe variety. Then I got some books and-surprise, surprise- ate until my breaking point. Literally until the point I felt sick.
Then I watched DH and ANTM and wondered to myself why all the shows I watch have acronyms.

Also, I haven't seen my sister in 8 days and I miss her. :(

Withdrawal

Okay, so I'm reading an article online about why breakups sucks worse than you think (Here). And I'm reading that you can actually experience withdrawal symptoms. I read through withdrawal symptoms. I had almost all of them. Not anymore, but a month or a few ago. So creepy.

Home

We came home yesterday. It was a day for tears.

I hugged Malcolm, Kenny, Kate, Carrie, Jo, and Zak goodbye. I would have hugged Matt, but he disappeared. :(

I got to the cabin, passing all of the cars with trunks open waiting to be filled with summer memories. I walked inside surrounded by boxes. I didn't know silence could be that suffocating.

Slowly, things emptied out and I laid down on the bare mattress.

I climbed in the backseat with Caitlin and we said goodbye to the place we escape to. Slowly, the 'Art Lives Here' signs disappeared. And we were just surrounded by sadness. At least I was.

It wasn't long before I started crying.

I kept seeing the look on Malcolm's face when we said goodbye. We'd had about 6 hugs and I must have looked really sad. Because when we said our last goodbyes, he looked at me. Then his eyebrows kind of furrowed and he let out a bit of a whimper, "Oh... You-"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just... Give me one more hug," I said, trying not to cry and hugged him tight.

That look kept me awake.

I don't want to be here.

What's Appropriate

I hate it that I have to ask myself if I could get fired for making my friend a bracelet. Or that my sister has to ask me if it would be inappropriate to get our friend a Diet Coke because the machine is broken. Because I consider some campers my friends. And they consider me their friends. And what would be "inappropriate" anyway? A hug? Adding them on facebook? Telling them I'll miss them?
That's what I don't like about this job. I truely care about them and I feel proud of them and thank God they're good people. And I feel like a weirdo to feel any attachment to kids I've know less than a month. But we all have something in common and that is that we have to say goodbye to both the people and the place.

Tissue Paper

Have you ever seen your favourite camper dress as a girl and kick ass lipsynching I Need a Hero? Have you ever played on a Twister board made of chalk? Have you ever been disappointed when you hear girls are not, in fact, naked where you heard they would be? Have you ever wondered how you could have two lives so easily until it's time to leave one?
I have.
I'll miss so many people.

I hate wondering if I'll see everyone again. I hate making camp friends, because eventually you have to say goodbye and they could be as far as Tokyo.
Camp has so become my life. I have roughly 200 younger brothers and 30 older brothers this year. But that's just a guess.
I want to start hugging people now and not let go until Saturday. I want to keep them with me.

If I could wrap you weathered & cold in tissue paper like pressing flowers between bricks
I'd keep you.
My heart goes out to you.
- Elsa Taylor


I miss them already.

Three Times

Someone I work with thinks he's the only one who really works. He's full of crap. He also thinks Rush is the greatest band ever. Which is fine, more power to him. But he also thinks everything else sucks. Literally every song. I worked with him in the dish room today and literally everything that came on the radio he would find a flaw.
"Songs nowadays are only about sexuality and love."
WHO CARES! People LIKE songs about sexuality and love! They can relate!
He drove me so crazy, I honestly asked him to repeat what he had said so I could walk out of the room while he was talking. Three times. And I feel no shame.

Yesterday

Yesterday, Caitlin and I went to a movie, just us two. And it was great. I mean, I absolutely love it being the three of us, but it's like a huge flash back to when it was Caitlin and me.... And then Elyse and me. We went to make fun of Eclipse and took pictures in a picture booth on my phone, because the booth wasn't working. Then we went home and sang to songs when Dylan drove us home.
It was the first time ever that I thought maybe things might be okay when Elyse goes to college. Sure, I'll miss her a lot. But I think I can see myself still having fun at home.

Dreams and Shakespeare

So, small updates are my thing. I apologize.

Lately I'm having really weird dreams. Really weird, about homeless children and people getting upset that I get a job. I hurt my ankle at work, taking out the garbage. I'm not entirely sure how though.

I found some great Shakespearean quotes:

His kisses are Judas' own children.
Dear Lady Disdain!
Pluto and Hell!

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I wasn't enough.

I'm sorry I miss you still.

I'm sorry I can't move on.

I'm sorry I still cry in public.

I'm sorry I can't drink Cherry Coke.

I'm sorry I can't watch Office Space.

I'm sorry I feel lonely, but refuse to say something.

I'm sorry I wish you'd hurt her.

I'm sorry I hide behind books.

I'm sorry I never knew how to help.

I'm sorry I've fallen to my knees in defeat.

I'm sorry I listen to the CD and feel like I still have you.

I'm sorry I save messages of your apologies and missing me messages.

I'm sorry I want to erase you.

I'm sorry I still write you letters.

I'm sorry I kissed your scars.

I'm sorry I cried in front of you.

I'm sorry I snapped when you wanted to pay for coffee.

I'm sorry I helped you hurt her like you hurt me.

I'm sorry I have so much to apoligize for.

Before

Sunday was the day of days. Elyse and I went up to campus and as we started to people watch, it also started pouring. So, did we run for cover? No, we danced and jumped and twirled.

Here

I need to learn to let go. I feel more mad at myself than I do at those responsible. It's not my fault, but I feel like it is, like it will always be this way, that I'm not worthy of being loved or even cared about. I thought I was fun and pretty and witty and great

.But that was before they took everything

1001 Nights

The Cherry Festival. Cherry Fest. Cherry Salsa, cherries, cherrie toppings, cherry pies.

Rides. 1001 Nights. Also known as Alli Baba.

I rode with Elyse, Drew, and Caitlin.
Up and around,
down and around.
Leaving my stomache behind.

Laughing, screaming, as my whole body whips around in ways it shouldn't.

Too fast to truly be scared. Too fast to think. Just that joyfully sick feeling floating through you.

I could live on that ride.

Anybody But Me

I want to be happy.
I want to be fun.
I want to be beautiful.


I want to be
Anybody but ME.

Today

I don't think it's healthy to throw up 3 times before 9 a.m. But that doesn't stop me!
After work, I went to the cabin and slept until 1:20, 20 minutes before I had to babysit. Productive day...

Oooooh, I just realized how that sounded. I don't throw up on purpose. That doesn't stop my body from disobeying is what I meant.

Wild Goose Chase

On wednesday last week, I had guitar lessons. And behind that building, there was a park and a lake with benches and docks that extend a little over the water. Caitlin and I was there for a while and although it was cold, I was determined to spend time there. Even if there was duck and goose poop everywhere, we were careful.

When we went to look around, there were geese everywhere. And because Caitlin and I think they're beautiful, we took some pictures. Now, you need to know that she has not been around geese before. So I'd tell her not to get too close and guess what! She got to close. So it hissed at her, which she didn't notice.

"Caitlin! It's hissing!" I said. "You're too close."

"Okay, okay." She stepped away.

"I should have hissed back," she muttered. "It probably would have been intimidated.

"No, you're not getting into hissing matches with these geese."

She was silent.

Again, she stepped too close. Hiss.

"It's hissing Caitlin," I warned.

So, what did she do? Well, being Caitlin, she of course hissed back.

Was it intimidated? I wish. You know what happened?

This is what happened. It chased us. So we ran and as we ran, other geese hissed when we got too close. Did Caitlin hiss at them? I assure you that if she did, I would have tripped her and saved myself.

Here

Stuff.

So, things are sorted out.
There's something wrong with me, I can't stop coughing lately. This has resulted in sore throat, loss of sleep, sore stomache, and once I have in fact thrown up.
I don't want to work tomorrow. Really don't. A lot.

Little Update

I don't have much computer time.

Basically, a long overdue phone call has yet to be received. O.o And frankly, it's driving me a bit insane.

I spend time working with my BFFs and "boyfriend", going to Borders for pricey coffee beverages that are oh-so-delicious, and watching movies. It's great, except I'm out of good books, but that's okay because I get paid tomorrow and I've racked up some pretty decent cash. So I'm rolling in the Benjamins. Yes, I realize that sounds gross, but it's so true. I'll be doing the money dance pretty soon. Oooooh yeeeeah.

Chilling with Cailtin, Elyse, Dylan, Drew, and James. Chatting with Kate, Carrie, Zak the Homie, Caleb, and Byron.

Good times keep rolling.

Thoughts

I hate that Adrian put me in a box category for heartbroken, weepy girls. I hate even more that I seem to fit in that group. I hate that he's still a good person, but I should be able to curse his name at the heavens.
I hate that I still feel fluttery whgen he and I talk, although I wouldn't date him again. I hate that I'm terribly sad when he mentions other girls. I hate that I'm still a mess.
But I knew we weren't right. I knew we wouldn't end up together. But I absolutely refused to end it. I couldn't do it. His cheating was a big, glowing, neon sign that it was time, but I still didn't. It was only when I felt like he was saying that I wasn't good enough that I ended it, in tears.
I missed him. But I survived, didn't I? Don't we all want happiness, don't we all deserve it?
Adrian... He was my first kiss, date, boyfriend, long distance, cheater, and heartbreak. We both had our own issues that we didn't want to share. And I don't think I would undo anything I did. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm a stupid girl, but I refuse to stop believing in fairytales. I want to find mine.

Dynamite

A few nights ago, there was a storm that sounded as if the sky was crashing down.
I've worked, gone to Borders practically every night since I got to camp, and have been waiting for the nonexistent letters people promised to send me.
We dug a hole. Yes, a hole. And it was spectacular. The best hole one could ever hope to dig. And sand chairs. :)
I broke down last night. Not a proud time, just sat on the porch and cried, thinking aabout how pathetic I feel and how awful everything is and how LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG it takes me to just. Move. On.
I've written three letters, received none, and am reading like I always do.
I have a meeting about Blood Born Pathogens in half an hour. Trust me, it sounds better than it is. Probably Borders tonight, a few tears seem inevitable, and movies. Many movies. Maybe a walk alone, just to clear my head. It's so cluttered with useless information, it'll be nice to just do a clean sweep of the stuff that piles up like dynamite. And trust me, that makes sense.

Peacocks

I love peacocks. Don't you? Everyone should. They're beautiful. At least the men are.

The female peacock's are kind of boring, but still beautiful in a very different, simple way.

Even white peacocks are gorgeous. Don't you think so?
http://api.ning.com/files/b8YC7XZ6PZ0IxjYDBmWi2yCHDuqhrYH-lbhn36Pa4xs3Zf7-ol0yXcvEDEccObnQTbvNPkVmPBJ7xcvNXLi0G6Cbm-IaNgeD/WhitePeacock.jpg

Even with their feathers down.

http://ladyprovocateur.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/373_whitepeacock_cropped.jpg

My favourite bird.

Today.

I got my license today. But I don't really care, because I'm going to camp tomorrow and that trumps everything. :)

Cheating on my Journal

I'm not sure.










But I think I'm going to end my journal early to start my next one. I want a seperate summer journal and I have 25 pages left in mine. I go to camp in 2 days........

You make me cry.

You make me smile.

You make me scream.

You make me dance in the rain.

You make me feel useless.

You make me laugh.

You make me feel broken.

You make me fly.

You make me fall apart.

You drive me insane.

Sunrise

She said I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...

I'm tired of the sunset.

Breathe

I tore up my favourite pair of jeans today.

And I could finally breathe again.

And I smiled.

It was the best thing I've done in a long time.

I was in my room, cocoon of blankets around me and I was honestly thinking I'm not the kind of girl who you hug from behind or you give flowers to or buy jewelry for on her birthday. I'm the kind of girl you cheat on. Because I'm lonely and scared of being lonely, so I know how to forgive. I'm the kind of girl you cheat on.

And being cheated on took a toll on me. It broke me in half. Any ounce of self-esteem I had was completely wiped away.
And then I looked down at the jeans I was wearing. The jeans. The ones he wrote on. The ones he covered in japanese writing and drawings and animal noises. The ones that said, "Adrian is here" with my hand writing below it, "But he isn't." The jeans that I had stain sticked multiple times without the ink coming out. The jeans that possessed that ink that I didn't think would outlast the relationship. But it had.
So I tore. And tore. And tore. And it felt good. It felt right and free and fun. And I smiled the whole time. I was freeing myself.


I could breathe.

Growing Up

Today, my sister needed to go to the store for lemon cake mix and sweetened condensed milk. So, being the girl I am, I jumped in the car, not even sure where we were going.

On our way home, we blasted the song Angel by Flipsyde in the car and sang. And riding like that, just chilling, I realized it's the best moments with Elyse. The best moments where the two of us are doing nothing significant, nothing of substance, but it means so much. That's what I'll miss the most when she leaves.

I'll be the only kid in our 'First Day Back to School' picture this year... It's terrifying. I wish I could turn back time, make moments last longer, soak them in and capture them in a bottle.

But I guess sometime everyone just has to grow up. And it breaks my heart.

Paper on the Wall

Do you ever feel lost? I know I do. My sister is going to college in the fall and I'm terrified. Probably as scared as she is. She's part of who I am, she helps define me, bring the fun in me out. What will I be without her here? She is my shield from the outside world. She's the person who went to eat chinese with me and we'd moan about our lives over crab rangoons and fried rice.
I don't know how to have fun by myself. I realized this when I was at Show Choir Camp this past week. When my dance partner and I got something right, he put his fist out. You know what I did? I stared. And stared. What am I supposed to do? I don't..... Oh. Fist bump.
Am I really that clueless? It's a fist bump! I was staring at his curled fingers like it was a different language. I don't understand.
Today I got my grade card: A+, A, A, A-, and then, like an ugly purple bruise: B
See, I had fun looking at those grades until I got to the B. There went my day. After all 19 bonus points I earned and all that work, a B scarred me. My intelligence is my strength. I can't do sports, I can't act, I'm not funny in the right way, and we all know that I'm not meant to be a star in music. But my grades and tutoring kids and writing and reading books? That's what I'm good at. I understand that.
Because I don't understand everything else.
Basically, the world's turning too fast for me to slow down.

I can't comprehend
Why I come to mind last
I want to slow down
Life's going too fast

Sincerely,
KU

Poet

I found a book my friend wrote the other day and it was incredible. Her name is Elsa Taylor and it's a collection of poetry. It's not big, but it's beautifully written and I actually teared up at some of it. She wrote it by the time she was thirteen and I absolutely love that girl. Google "Elsa Taylor- Leave you Breathless"

Sincerely,
KU

Popsicles

I'm so far away from the world I want. I want a world of blanket coccoons and honeyed sunshine and dewdrop kisses. A world of purple butterflies and cherry pie and poems that melt on the tongue. A world of cherry trees and goosebumps and watermelon. A world of dancing and sunrises and fresh nail polish. Receiving letters, popsicles, sweet rain, rolling thunder, waves that scrape the sand and crash over seashells. Singing birds and eskimo kisses and grass soft as kitten's fur and lemonade and lovely sore muscles. But like I said, I'm so far away from the world I want.

Inspired

I'm feeling deep and inspired right now.
I just thought I'd let you know.

Sincerely,
KU

My Soul Band

Carbon Leaf. Love that band absolutely to death. They have songs for nearly all my moods and it's fabulous. I'm praying that they have a concert near us again. I went to one last summer and it changed my life. The comradery with the other fans was amazing and I felt so relaxed and real.
Check them out when you get a chance. Carbon Leaf.

Poem

Along the road
I'm falling apart

And there is my new poem.

Sincerely Yours,
KU

FITBF

Fill-in-the-Blank Friday

1. Far is my favourite place to travel.
2. When I think of my childhood, I often remember music.
3. Understanding makes for a good friend.
4. The wind in the trees, the rain on my skin, I am prepared to soak it in.
5. Summer is so exciting!
6. My best friend knows nothing.
7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going on a walk, tomorrow my plans include singing, and on Sunday, I want to dance.

Good Night

Something I will not do again: Stay up late by myself.
Because I kind of did last night. And I went to bed without anyone saying good night. And I'm used to someone saying good night, so when I fell asleep without it, it was sad. When no one's around to say two simple words, it's one of the loneliest feelings in the world.

Reject Cookies

So, at school I was stuck with this thing of storemade cookies. I only had 12. After handing out to everyone in my spanish class, I still had surplus cookies! I walked around to find people who wanted 4th of July cookies at the beginning of June and NO ONE WANTED THEM.
They looked too cocky and tough and I thought I would enjoy watching their starry egos drop down a few knotches, but these reject cookies really just pissed me off. Thought I would let that be known.

Motivational Monday

I have decided that in addition to Fill-In-The-Blank Fridays, I'll also have Motivational Mondays. It will probably just be a quote or something simple to do that week. I know it's Tuesday, but I wanted to start it before I forget, so here is a late Motivational Monday.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;

that is where they should be.

Now put the foundations under them."

Henry David Thoreau

Plans

So, here I am. Monday night and tomorrow is my last full day of school.
And for some reason, I crave school work right now. Math homework or an english paper or SOMETHING. Don't ask why. I haven't the slightest clue.
Then Wednesday I'm going to take ONE exam, the first of the day, and then chill in town probably. Go to that bench I pretend no one else knows about and journal or listen to music. Something profound and deep and hopefully helpful to my terribly lost soul. Lost and tired. And not close to my skin. I feel like I'm too small for my body and I'm not sure that makes sense.
Thursday I go to school for the last exam of the day and that's it. I'll pretend I'm going to do something productive like go on a run or do some laundry, but I'll really end up sleeping until noon, eating lunch, and then skedaddling to school.
After that... I want to say I'm excited for the free summer weeks at home, but I just want to go to camp. Although I don't go to church in the summer, I feel so close to God. It's hard not to when you see His beautiful work everywhere. I want to hang out with other work friends and get London Fogs at Bud's while my sister and I journal.
I want the simplicity of camp, where I work, journal, drink coffee, and listen to the magic made in the music buildings.

I need this summer.

The Great Cat Hunt

Have you ever woken up at 1 am to a house full of people looking for a meowing cat that is apparently IN THE WALLS? Because I have. And I was not pleased.
So began the Great Cat Hunt. We knew which cat it was mostly because he hadn't come running for food all day. The cat, Ares, was trapped somewhere. And at one in the morning? I was happy to let him stay trapped until I was rested enough to deal with the little, furry ball of evil. But no, we had to find him at 1 A.M. Because everyone else was awake! And I might as well be, although 8 hours later I'll be expected to carry a snare drum on my shoulders in 90 degree weather.
So, in a sleepy haze, I started yelling, "Ares, stop being an idiot. Where ARE YOU?" Then I started whispering pathetically, "I just want to go to sleep. That's all I want." And repeat back to the yelling.
Eventually my sister found him, between the basement ceiling and the ground-floor floor, when she got boosted onto a fridge and then onto a filing cabinet thing by her boyfriend. Then there was the issue of pulling the little thing out because he decided this would be his summer home, where he could be closer to Satan. So he refused to leave.
Little psycho.

My Expectations

I read through old poems of mine to see what I wanted in a relationship before I had one and although some of the things matched up, my last relationship didn't have all of what I wanted.

I like the way you warm my hand
When mine's too cold to bear- true
I love it when I need you
And you're already there- false

I like the way you hug me
When I've had a rotten day- false
I like the way you wipe away tears
When there's nothing there is to say- false

I like the way you kiss me- true
And would never ever lie- wrong.
I like the way you smile- true
And could never make me cry- false

I like the way you love me- no
And we're never far apart- about that...
Even if I like all this
You could still break my heart- true

This is kind of therapeutic.

Grad Weekend

A lot has been happening. Here's my weekend.

Friday: My family came all the way from Kansas to see my sister graduate. Her party was on Friday and the flowers were beautiful. She displayed some photos I had taken of her and pictures on a board of everything. I find it interesting how for manual cameras, I called the product photos, but for anything else, it's pictures. But I digress.
We partied and... stuff? We stopped by one of her old friends' grad parties. She was very friendly (and very pregnant) when she gave us hugs. Then we went home and... did what? I haven't the slightest idea.

Saturday: I went to Shelb's grad party and then my brother took me to Evan's and Christian's parties. Christian has AWESOME food and I met his mom, along with everyone else who wondered where she'd been. Then I went home and chilled. I know, I'm so boring.
Then, I was called to the basement where, for ten minutes, I literally sat there and watched my sister shave calluses off her feet and then pumice-stone them and then use some other bizarre tool to smooth them out. I'm not kidding. Ten minutes. Without music. Just sitting on the bathtub edge. She has an obsession.
Then, I got ready (in about ten minutes total, I might add), which involved putting on my whole outfit and makeup. Waterproof makeup.
Once at the school I found someone to carry my sister's flute into the gym bleachers and THEN I had to find Alex's car in the crowded lot only with the clue that her car was dark green and the windows were down. After finding it, I searched for the trunk button to get out her saxophone, hoping that this was in fact her car and not someone else's. Then Drew came to the rescue! Yay Drew! I got the sax, again hoping I wasn't stealing an innocent person's beloved instrument, and lugged it back into the school to put it together and move it to the bleachers. Guess how long this whole paragraph took in real life. Ten minutes! That is a very significant amount of time for me.
I was crying before the slideshow was over and I held multiple people's hands as they stood in line to receive their diplomas.
Once we were home, Elyse and I changed and waited for Shelb and Aaron to be ready. Then we went to Christian's house again and pigged out.
I saw my friend Nic there. Here's what you need to know about Nicky:
1. He's gay.
2. He's a slut.
3. He parties.
4. I absolutely love that kid.
He smelled like cigarettes (surprise, surprise).
Anyway, then I went home and watched a movie with my cousins, Ashley and Zane. They both fell asleep at some points, I think. Then we all went to bed.

Today: I went to church, which was exhausting considering I was up till 1:30 and then an alarm went off at 5:30 for my cousins to leave. Then to Bob's party, where I talked to people I'm not entirely close to.
My brother took me to Eli's party. He lives out on a farm and it was, by far, the best party I've gone to yet. And I don't know why. It was in and out his small garage and there was sweet tea and lemonade. His smile is cute and I knew nothing about him really before today.
Sadly, we left and went home. Then we went to Zach's party. He invited me to another party later on and I said maybe and then my sister refused to drive me there because, "If you can get a ride then whatever but I'm not going to be responsible for you tonight. Once again I'm not trying to be a jerk but I only get one graduation weekend and I just want to hang out with my friends and not have to worry about you. And I will. Because I always do."
1. I understand it's her graduation, but I WAS invited.
2. She acts like I need a babysitter. I can take care of myself, I'm just late in getting my license.
3. It's not my fault she worries like she does. She has no reason to.
4. She's encroached on my fun before and didn't care. I feel a bit entitled, although that kind of makes me a bitch.
"Really this would be hanging out with MY friends. I'm not asking you to hang out with people I KNOW you would be uncomfortable around."
1. They could have been my friends if she didn't talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm only about 1 1/2 years younger and she tries to hold it over my head like it's a victory. Good job, grab a Tootsie Roll, we all know this.
2. She's asked me to be in uncomfortable situations before. How is this different?

So now, guess where I am! At home watching Harry Potter. Yay. Fun night.

Changes

I'm worried about everything.
So many things are changing. Ever since I get these glasses, it's like I not only see things in 3D. I can see the changes and I don't like it. I'm not good with change.
People I've known all my life are graduating and I'm scared I'll never see some of them again. It's happened. We grow up and apart and we don't realize it until we see people who used to be our best friends and wonder how long they've had glasses or been dating that new guy or lost all that weight. It's terribly sad. And now I'm seeing it clearly.
And there's nothing I can do to stop the swirling world and the twisting clock and the setting sun. The moon's going to wane whether I want it to or not and I won't realize it until it's back at full blast, shining a silver light through my window. And then it's like seeing that old friend again. Talking to the man on the moon and seeing that he has aged.
I feel like time's moving so fast that I can't even start living, like it's too late to have a life and make friends.
Because friends move and die and change.
And then they're just photographs of people you knew once.

Bleh

I missed Fill-In-The-Blank Friday, so here it is.

Where were you three hours ago?
On the way from one grad party to another
When was the last time you drove out of town?
Um... I'm not sure. Maybe to Findlay with my mentor for dinner.
What was the last movie you saw?
Again, I don't know. Date Night, I think
What are the plans for tonight?
Graduation. :(
What is the next trip you are going to take?
To Interlochen, probably.
What is your strangest experience in food?
I tried squid or octopus in biology.
Or the time my friend shoved a cricket cookie in my mouth... in Biology.

Dream

I had a dream about a boy who died two years ago. This is the second dream since then and I just can't shake them. And they always make me miss him, but we mostly carried disdain for each other when he was alive. I want to visit his grave though. I feel like I need to.

Weddings

Ah, weddings. Aren't they beautiful?
More on the subject after I get some sleep.

What I Hate at the Moment

And here it is again. I moan about my ex, but I don't know how to get past everything. I feel like so much went unsaid that I just can't let go. I wanted him to know that I almost broke up with him because of him cheating, but I still thought he cared about me. But for that whole last month, I spent my time wondering what I had done to deserve it. How did I deserve it? How did it happen? Did he really still care about me? I don't know, I got lost in everything he said. And most of the time, I felt like I was talking him down and I hated it, but whatever. That's what you do when you care about someone. But he never asked how I was doing, never even bothered. And he only seemed to care half-heartedly when I had a breakdown.
But everything went downhill when we broke up. And getting back up is hard. Because I'm scared I'll go back down again.
He and I don't talk anymore. I don't even know if he's doing okay and I'm scared of that. I hate worrying, but I do and it sucks the fun out of everything. So I do the calling. And I stop worrying. And then something sets me off again. And I just hate a lot of things right now.

The Poem

This poem of mine won an Allpoetry contest, my first in a long time. I have to thank my ex-boyfriend for the inspiration. But I also hate to, because I have to say 'ex.'

http://allpoetry.com/poem/6426275

I thought I was getting over him. So I checked his facebook page. I was wrong.

Fill-In-The-Blank Friday

The Five Songs You Would Have With You on a Desert Island and Why
1. Into the Ocean- Blue October: This is a terribly hard song for me to listen to, but I had my first kiss with this song playing. That might seem silly or that might make sense, but it's definitely significant to me.
2. Blackbird- The Beatles: When I was little, my dad played this on guitar every night before I fell asleep. It's the sounds of my childhood.
3. Be My Escape- Relient K: I just love it.
4. Siyahamba- (I don't know): It's a song of my life. It was there in my childhood and it's here now.
5. Soul Sister- Train(?): It's the saddest song in the world to me, but I love it anyway.

Food Challenge Week

Okay, so a friend and I are doing a week of food challenges. I'll be filling you in from the field as you can only watch from the sidelines. Or join in! Let me know how it goes!

Guidelines:
-Drinks are anything clear- water, sprite, etc- And milk is neutral. Any other drink guidelines will be noted later.
-We dress for the occasion. Details noted later.

May 17, 2010: Day 1
Challenge: Green foods
The Idea: Anything green.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus Mountain Dew or green tea, and so on.
Dress: Green.

May 18, 2010: Day 2
Challenge: Brown foods
The Idea: Anything brown, beige, tan, etc.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus tea, coffee, brown sodas, and so on.
Dress: Anything brown.

May 19, 2010: Day 3
Challenge: Cheese foods
The Idea: Any dish dominated by cheese, like grilled cheese, mac&cheese, Cheezits. Things with cheese in the name are basically safe.
Drinks: Anything is free game, but if you want to take it to a new level, go ahead with drinking only cheese. Good luck with that.
Dress: Anything orange or yellow. But again, you can go above and beyond by making a suit of cheese. It would be handy if you get hungry midmorning.

May 20, 2010: Day 4
Challenge: Cold foods
The Idea: Anything cold. Even if it was once hot and is now cold, sure.
Drinks: Just ice what would be hot. Nothing I can think of would be gross iced.
Dress: Cool colours, simple enough. BUT, if you want to freeze your clothes the day before, feel free.

May 21, 2010: Day 5
Challenge: "C" Foods
The Idea: Foods that start with the letter 'C' like crackers, cereal, chips, carrots, etc. CANDY is too broad, the candy name must start with 'C'
Drinks: This hasn't really been discussed, but I assume the guideline drinks and anything that starts with 'C' like Coca-Cola.
Dress: I might wear a Cedarville shirt I got from Goodwill, I might dress Cute, or I might just paint a giant 'C' on an old shirt. So many options.

So, let us feast! ...Next week!

Stranger's Family Blog

I don't mean to offend anybody. Truely I don't. But I don't understand following a stranger's family blog. I understand following a stranger's blog. And I understand following a family blog when I'm BFFs with the family who's blogging. But stranger's family blogs sound to me like, "Hey, I picked Amy up from daycare today while it was raining!" Ooh, exciting.

Alone

It's rainy and sad today, weather I love, but emotions I'm scared of. I feel as if a month should be adaquate time to be over my last boyfriend, but it hasn't been. I miss him terribly and I hate admitting it, especially knowing that he probably has moved on. And I should know that wounds take time. Here's the thing...
He cheated on me. Within two weeks of the beginning of our relationship. I found out about three months in. And I didn't break up with him. And then he got bored. And told me that he was 50/50 on our relationship. And at that point, I knew I couldn't keep going that way. And I've been told that he doesn't deserve me. Or that I'll find someone better. But I feel as if it was so abrupt. And he closed that door on me so completely. And I wish I still had him in my life. But I feel like he thought I wasn't good enough.
None of this helped the self esteem issues that I have that he pointed out to me. People told me that they'll protect me if talking to him is too hard to handle. And I shouldn't miss someone who everyone thinks I need protecting from.
But I'm terrified of being alone...