Thoughts

I hate that Adrian put me in a box category for heartbroken, weepy girls. I hate even more that I seem to fit in that group. I hate that he's still a good person, but I should be able to curse his name at the heavens.
I hate that I still feel fluttery whgen he and I talk, although I wouldn't date him again. I hate that I'm terribly sad when he mentions other girls. I hate that I'm still a mess.
But I knew we weren't right. I knew we wouldn't end up together. But I absolutely refused to end it. I couldn't do it. His cheating was a big, glowing, neon sign that it was time, but I still didn't. It was only when I felt like he was saying that I wasn't good enough that I ended it, in tears.
I missed him. But I survived, didn't I? Don't we all want happiness, don't we all deserve it?
Adrian... He was my first kiss, date, boyfriend, long distance, cheater, and heartbreak. We both had our own issues that we didn't want to share. And I don't think I would undo anything I did. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm a stupid girl, but I refuse to stop believing in fairytales. I want to find mine.

Dynamite

A few nights ago, there was a storm that sounded as if the sky was crashing down.
I've worked, gone to Borders practically every night since I got to camp, and have been waiting for the nonexistent letters people promised to send me.
We dug a hole. Yes, a hole. And it was spectacular. The best hole one could ever hope to dig. And sand chairs. :)
I broke down last night. Not a proud time, just sat on the porch and cried, thinking aabout how pathetic I feel and how awful everything is and how LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG it takes me to just. Move. On.
I've written three letters, received none, and am reading like I always do.
I have a meeting about Blood Born Pathogens in half an hour. Trust me, it sounds better than it is. Probably Borders tonight, a few tears seem inevitable, and movies. Many movies. Maybe a walk alone, just to clear my head. It's so cluttered with useless information, it'll be nice to just do a clean sweep of the stuff that piles up like dynamite. And trust me, that makes sense.

Peacocks

I love peacocks. Don't you? Everyone should. They're beautiful. At least the men are.

The female peacock's are kind of boring, but still beautiful in a very different, simple way.

Even white peacocks are gorgeous. Don't you think so?
http://api.ning.com/files/b8YC7XZ6PZ0IxjYDBmWi2yCHDuqhrYH-lbhn36Pa4xs3Zf7-ol0yXcvEDEccObnQTbvNPkVmPBJ7xcvNXLi0G6Cbm-IaNgeD/WhitePeacock.jpg

Even with their feathers down.

http://ladyprovocateur.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/373_whitepeacock_cropped.jpg

My favourite bird.

Today.

I got my license today. But I don't really care, because I'm going to camp tomorrow and that trumps everything. :)

Cheating on my Journal

I'm not sure.










But I think I'm going to end my journal early to start my next one. I want a seperate summer journal and I have 25 pages left in mine. I go to camp in 2 days........

You make me cry.

You make me smile.

You make me scream.

You make me dance in the rain.

You make me feel useless.

You make me laugh.

You make me feel broken.

You make me fly.

You make me fall apart.

You drive me insane.

Sunrise

She said I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...

I'm tired of the sunset.

Breathe

I tore up my favourite pair of jeans today.

And I could finally breathe again.

And I smiled.

It was the best thing I've done in a long time.

I was in my room, cocoon of blankets around me and I was honestly thinking I'm not the kind of girl who you hug from behind or you give flowers to or buy jewelry for on her birthday. I'm the kind of girl you cheat on. Because I'm lonely and scared of being lonely, so I know how to forgive. I'm the kind of girl you cheat on.

And being cheated on took a toll on me. It broke me in half. Any ounce of self-esteem I had was completely wiped away.
And then I looked down at the jeans I was wearing. The jeans. The ones he wrote on. The ones he covered in japanese writing and drawings and animal noises. The ones that said, "Adrian is here" with my hand writing below it, "But he isn't." The jeans that I had stain sticked multiple times without the ink coming out. The jeans that possessed that ink that I didn't think would outlast the relationship. But it had.
So I tore. And tore. And tore. And it felt good. It felt right and free and fun. And I smiled the whole time. I was freeing myself.


I could breathe.

Growing Up

Today, my sister needed to go to the store for lemon cake mix and sweetened condensed milk. So, being the girl I am, I jumped in the car, not even sure where we were going.

On our way home, we blasted the song Angel by Flipsyde in the car and sang. And riding like that, just chilling, I realized it's the best moments with Elyse. The best moments where the two of us are doing nothing significant, nothing of substance, but it means so much. That's what I'll miss the most when she leaves.

I'll be the only kid in our 'First Day Back to School' picture this year... It's terrifying. I wish I could turn back time, make moments last longer, soak them in and capture them in a bottle.

But I guess sometime everyone just has to grow up. And it breaks my heart.

Paper on the Wall

Do you ever feel lost? I know I do. My sister is going to college in the fall and I'm terrified. Probably as scared as she is. She's part of who I am, she helps define me, bring the fun in me out. What will I be without her here? She is my shield from the outside world. She's the person who went to eat chinese with me and we'd moan about our lives over crab rangoons and fried rice.
I don't know how to have fun by myself. I realized this when I was at Show Choir Camp this past week. When my dance partner and I got something right, he put his fist out. You know what I did? I stared. And stared. What am I supposed to do? I don't..... Oh. Fist bump.
Am I really that clueless? It's a fist bump! I was staring at his curled fingers like it was a different language. I don't understand.
Today I got my grade card: A+, A, A, A-, and then, like an ugly purple bruise: B
See, I had fun looking at those grades until I got to the B. There went my day. After all 19 bonus points I earned and all that work, a B scarred me. My intelligence is my strength. I can't do sports, I can't act, I'm not funny in the right way, and we all know that I'm not meant to be a star in music. But my grades and tutoring kids and writing and reading books? That's what I'm good at. I understand that.
Because I don't understand everything else.
Basically, the world's turning too fast for me to slow down.

I can't comprehend
Why I come to mind last
I want to slow down
Life's going too fast

Sincerely,
KU

Poet

I found a book my friend wrote the other day and it was incredible. Her name is Elsa Taylor and it's a collection of poetry. It's not big, but it's beautifully written and I actually teared up at some of it. She wrote it by the time she was thirteen and I absolutely love that girl. Google "Elsa Taylor- Leave you Breathless"

Sincerely,
KU

Popsicles

I'm so far away from the world I want. I want a world of blanket coccoons and honeyed sunshine and dewdrop kisses. A world of purple butterflies and cherry pie and poems that melt on the tongue. A world of cherry trees and goosebumps and watermelon. A world of dancing and sunrises and fresh nail polish. Receiving letters, popsicles, sweet rain, rolling thunder, waves that scrape the sand and crash over seashells. Singing birds and eskimo kisses and grass soft as kitten's fur and lemonade and lovely sore muscles. But like I said, I'm so far away from the world I want.

Inspired

I'm feeling deep and inspired right now.
I just thought I'd let you know.

Sincerely,
KU

My Soul Band

Carbon Leaf. Love that band absolutely to death. They have songs for nearly all my moods and it's fabulous. I'm praying that they have a concert near us again. I went to one last summer and it changed my life. The comradery with the other fans was amazing and I felt so relaxed and real.
Check them out when you get a chance. Carbon Leaf.

Poem

Along the road
I'm falling apart

And there is my new poem.

Sincerely Yours,
KU

FITBF

Fill-in-the-Blank Friday

1. Far is my favourite place to travel.
2. When I think of my childhood, I often remember music.
3. Understanding makes for a good friend.
4. The wind in the trees, the rain on my skin, I am prepared to soak it in.
5. Summer is so exciting!
6. My best friend knows nothing.
7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going on a walk, tomorrow my plans include singing, and on Sunday, I want to dance.

Good Night

Something I will not do again: Stay up late by myself.
Because I kind of did last night. And I went to bed without anyone saying good night. And I'm used to someone saying good night, so when I fell asleep without it, it was sad. When no one's around to say two simple words, it's one of the loneliest feelings in the world.

Reject Cookies

So, at school I was stuck with this thing of storemade cookies. I only had 12. After handing out to everyone in my spanish class, I still had surplus cookies! I walked around to find people who wanted 4th of July cookies at the beginning of June and NO ONE WANTED THEM.
They looked too cocky and tough and I thought I would enjoy watching their starry egos drop down a few knotches, but these reject cookies really just pissed me off. Thought I would let that be known.

Motivational Monday

I have decided that in addition to Fill-In-The-Blank Fridays, I'll also have Motivational Mondays. It will probably just be a quote or something simple to do that week. I know it's Tuesday, but I wanted to start it before I forget, so here is a late Motivational Monday.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;

that is where they should be.

Now put the foundations under them."

Henry David Thoreau