Monday, May 31, 2010


So, here I am. Monday night and tomorrow is my last full day of school.
And for some reason, I crave school work right now. Math homework or an english paper or SOMETHING. Don't ask why. I haven't the slightest clue.
Then Wednesday I'm going to take ONE exam, the first of the day, and then chill in town probably. Go to that bench I pretend no one else knows about and journal or listen to music. Something profound and deep and hopefully helpful to my terribly lost soul. Lost and tired. And not close to my skin. I feel like I'm too small for my body and I'm not sure that makes sense.
Thursday I go to school for the last exam of the day and that's it. I'll pretend I'm going to do something productive like go on a run or do some laundry, but I'll really end up sleeping until noon, eating lunch, and then skedaddling to school.
After that... I want to say I'm excited for the free summer weeks at home, but I just want to go to camp. Although I don't go to church in the summer, I feel so close to God. It's hard not to when you see His beautiful work everywhere. I want to hang out with other work friends and get London Fogs at Bud's while my sister and I journal.
I want the simplicity of camp, where I work, journal, drink coffee, and listen to the magic made in the music buildings.

I need this summer.

The Great Cat Hunt

Have you ever woken up at 1 am to a house full of people looking for a meowing cat that is apparently IN THE WALLS? Because I have. And I was not pleased.
So began the Great Cat Hunt. We knew which cat it was mostly because he hadn't come running for food all day. The cat, Ares, was trapped somewhere. And at one in the morning? I was happy to let him stay trapped until I was rested enough to deal with the little, furry ball of evil. But no, we had to find him at 1 A.M. Because everyone else was awake! And I might as well be, although 8 hours later I'll be expected to carry a snare drum on my shoulders in 90 degree weather.
So, in a sleepy haze, I started yelling, "Ares, stop being an idiot. Where ARE YOU?" Then I started whispering pathetically, "I just want to go to sleep. That's all I want." And repeat back to the yelling.
Eventually my sister found him, between the basement ceiling and the ground-floor floor, when she got boosted onto a fridge and then onto a filing cabinet thing by her boyfriend. Then there was the issue of pulling the little thing out because he decided this would be his summer home, where he could be closer to Satan. So he refused to leave.
Little psycho.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

My Expectations

I read through old poems of mine to see what I wanted in a relationship before I had one and although some of the things matched up, my last relationship didn't have all of what I wanted.

I like the way you warm my hand
When mine's too cold to bear- true
I love it when I need you
And you're already there- false

I like the way you hug me
When I've had a rotten day- false
I like the way you wipe away tears
When there's nothing there is to say- false

I like the way you kiss me- true
And would never ever lie- wrong.
I like the way you smile- true
And could never make me cry- false

I like the way you love me- no
And we're never far apart- about that...
Even if I like all this
You could still break my heart- true

This is kind of therapeutic.

Grad Weekend

A lot has been happening. Here's my weekend.

Friday: My family came all the way from Kansas to see my sister graduate. Her party was on Friday and the flowers were beautiful. She displayed some photos I had taken of her and pictures on a board of everything. I find it interesting how for manual cameras, I called the product photos, but for anything else, it's pictures. But I digress.
We partied and... stuff? We stopped by one of her old friends' grad parties. She was very friendly (and very pregnant) when she gave us hugs. Then we went home and... did what? I haven't the slightest idea.

Saturday: I went to Shelb's grad party and then my brother took me to Evan's and Christian's parties. Christian has AWESOME food and I met his mom, along with everyone else who wondered where she'd been. Then I went home and chilled. I know, I'm so boring.
Then, I was called to the basement where, for ten minutes, I literally sat there and watched my sister shave calluses off her feet and then pumice-stone them and then use some other bizarre tool to smooth them out. I'm not kidding. Ten minutes. Without music. Just sitting on the bathtub edge. She has an obsession.
Then, I got ready (in about ten minutes total, I might add), which involved putting on my whole outfit and makeup. Waterproof makeup.
Once at the school I found someone to carry my sister's flute into the gym bleachers and THEN I had to find Alex's car in the crowded lot only with the clue that her car was dark green and the windows were down. After finding it, I searched for the trunk button to get out her saxophone, hoping that this was in fact her car and not someone else's. Then Drew came to the rescue! Yay Drew! I got the sax, again hoping I wasn't stealing an innocent person's beloved instrument, and lugged it back into the school to put it together and move it to the bleachers. Guess how long this whole paragraph took in real life. Ten minutes! That is a very significant amount of time for me.
I was crying before the slideshow was over and I held multiple people's hands as they stood in line to receive their diplomas.
Once we were home, Elyse and I changed and waited for Shelb and Aaron to be ready. Then we went to Christian's house again and pigged out.
I saw my friend Nic there. Here's what you need to know about Nicky:
1. He's gay.
2. He's a slut.
3. He parties.
4. I absolutely love that kid.
He smelled like cigarettes (surprise, surprise).
Anyway, then I went home and watched a movie with my cousins, Ashley and Zane. They both fell asleep at some points, I think. Then we all went to bed.

Today: I went to church, which was exhausting considering I was up till 1:30 and then an alarm went off at 5:30 for my cousins to leave. Then to Bob's party, where I talked to people I'm not entirely close to.
My brother took me to Eli's party. He lives out on a farm and it was, by far, the best party I've gone to yet. And I don't know why. It was in and out his small garage and there was sweet tea and lemonade. His smile is cute and I knew nothing about him really before today.
Sadly, we left and went home. Then we went to Zach's party. He invited me to another party later on and I said maybe and then my sister refused to drive me there because, "If you can get a ride then whatever but I'm not going to be responsible for you tonight. Once again I'm not trying to be a jerk but I only get one graduation weekend and I just want to hang out with my friends and not have to worry about you. And I will. Because I always do."
1. I understand it's her graduation, but I WAS invited.
2. She acts like I need a babysitter. I can take care of myself, I'm just late in getting my license.
3. It's not my fault she worries like she does. She has no reason to.
4. She's encroached on my fun before and didn't care. I feel a bit entitled, although that kind of makes me a bitch.
"Really this would be hanging out with MY friends. I'm not asking you to hang out with people I KNOW you would be uncomfortable around."
1. They could have been my friends if she didn't talk to me like I'm an idiot. I'm only about 1 1/2 years younger and she tries to hold it over my head like it's a victory. Good job, grab a Tootsie Roll, we all know this.
2. She's asked me to be in uncomfortable situations before. How is this different?

So now, guess where I am! At home watching Harry Potter. Yay. Fun night.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


I'm worried about everything.
So many things are changing. Ever since I get these glasses, it's like I not only see things in 3D. I can see the changes and I don't like it. I'm not good with change.
People I've known all my life are graduating and I'm scared I'll never see some of them again. It's happened. We grow up and apart and we don't realize it until we see people who used to be our best friends and wonder how long they've had glasses or been dating that new guy or lost all that weight. It's terribly sad. And now I'm seeing it clearly.
And there's nothing I can do to stop the swirling world and the twisting clock and the setting sun. The moon's going to wane whether I want it to or not and I won't realize it until it's back at full blast, shining a silver light through my window. And then it's like seeing that old friend again. Talking to the man on the moon and seeing that he has aged.
I feel like time's moving so fast that I can't even start living, like it's too late to have a life and make friends.
Because friends move and die and change.
And then they're just photographs of people you knew once.


I missed Fill-In-The-Blank Friday, so here it is.

Where were you three hours ago?
On the way from one grad party to another
When was the last time you drove out of town?
Um... I'm not sure. Maybe to Findlay with my mentor for dinner.
What was the last movie you saw?
Again, I don't know. Date Night, I think
What are the plans for tonight?
Graduation. :(
What is the next trip you are going to take?
To Interlochen, probably.
What is your strangest experience in food?
I tried squid or octopus in biology.
Or the time my friend shoved a cricket cookie in my mouth... in Biology.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I had a dream about a boy who died two years ago. This is the second dream since then and I just can't shake them. And they always make me miss him, but we mostly carried disdain for each other when he was alive. I want to visit his grave though. I feel like I need to.

Monday, May 24, 2010


Ah, weddings. Aren't they beautiful?
More on the subject after I get some sleep.

Friday, May 21, 2010

What I Hate at the Moment

And here it is again. I moan about my ex, but I don't know how to get past everything. I feel like so much went unsaid that I just can't let go. I wanted him to know that I almost broke up with him because of him cheating, but I still thought he cared about me. But for that whole last month, I spent my time wondering what I had done to deserve it. How did I deserve it? How did it happen? Did he really still care about me? I don't know, I got lost in everything he said. And most of the time, I felt like I was talking him down and I hated it, but whatever. That's what you do when you care about someone. But he never asked how I was doing, never even bothered. And he only seemed to care half-heartedly when I had a breakdown.
But everything went downhill when we broke up. And getting back up is hard. Because I'm scared I'll go back down again.
He and I don't talk anymore. I don't even know if he's doing okay and I'm scared of that. I hate worrying, but I do and it sucks the fun out of everything. So I do the calling. And I stop worrying. And then something sets me off again. And I just hate a lot of things right now.

The Poem

This poem of mine won an Allpoetry contest, my first in a long time. I have to thank my ex-boyfriend for the inspiration. But I also hate to, because I have to say 'ex.'

I thought I was getting over him. So I checked his facebook page. I was wrong.

Fill-In-The-Blank Friday

The Five Songs You Would Have With You on a Desert Island and Why
1. Into the Ocean- Blue October: This is a terribly hard song for me to listen to, but I had my first kiss with this song playing. That might seem silly or that might make sense, but it's definitely significant to me.
2. Blackbird- The Beatles: When I was little, my dad played this on guitar every night before I fell asleep. It's the sounds of my childhood.
3. Be My Escape- Relient K: I just love it.
4. Siyahamba- (I don't know): It's a song of my life. It was there in my childhood and it's here now.
5. Soul Sister- Train(?): It's the saddest song in the world to me, but I love it anyway.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Food Challenge Week

Okay, so a friend and I are doing a week of food challenges. I'll be filling you in from the field as you can only watch from the sidelines. Or join in! Let me know how it goes!

-Drinks are anything clear- water, sprite, etc- And milk is neutral. Any other drink guidelines will be noted later.
-We dress for the occasion. Details noted later.

May 17, 2010: Day 1
Challenge: Green foods
The Idea: Anything green.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus Mountain Dew or green tea, and so on.
Dress: Green.

May 18, 2010: Day 2
Challenge: Brown foods
The Idea: Anything brown, beige, tan, etc.
Drinks: Some options listed in guidelines, plus tea, coffee, brown sodas, and so on.
Dress: Anything brown.

May 19, 2010: Day 3
Challenge: Cheese foods
The Idea: Any dish dominated by cheese, like grilled cheese, mac&cheese, Cheezits. Things with cheese in the name are basically safe.
Drinks: Anything is free game, but if you want to take it to a new level, go ahead with drinking only cheese. Good luck with that.
Dress: Anything orange or yellow. But again, you can go above and beyond by making a suit of cheese. It would be handy if you get hungry midmorning.

May 20, 2010: Day 4
Challenge: Cold foods
The Idea: Anything cold. Even if it was once hot and is now cold, sure.
Drinks: Just ice what would be hot. Nothing I can think of would be gross iced.
Dress: Cool colours, simple enough. BUT, if you want to freeze your clothes the day before, feel free.

May 21, 2010: Day 5
Challenge: "C" Foods
The Idea: Foods that start with the letter 'C' like crackers, cereal, chips, carrots, etc. CANDY is too broad, the candy name must start with 'C'
Drinks: This hasn't really been discussed, but I assume the guideline drinks and anything that starts with 'C' like Coca-Cola.
Dress: I might wear a Cedarville shirt I got from Goodwill, I might dress Cute, or I might just paint a giant 'C' on an old shirt. So many options.

So, let us feast! ...Next week!

Stranger's Family Blog

I don't mean to offend anybody. Truely I don't. But I don't understand following a stranger's family blog. I understand following a stranger's blog. And I understand following a family blog when I'm BFFs with the family who's blogging. But stranger's family blogs sound to me like, "Hey, I picked Amy up from daycare today while it was raining!" Ooh, exciting.


It's rainy and sad today, weather I love, but emotions I'm scared of. I feel as if a month should be adaquate time to be over my last boyfriend, but it hasn't been. I miss him terribly and I hate admitting it, especially knowing that he probably has moved on. And I should know that wounds take time. Here's the thing...
He cheated on me. Within two weeks of the beginning of our relationship. I found out about three months in. And I didn't break up with him. And then he got bored. And told me that he was 50/50 on our relationship. And at that point, I knew I couldn't keep going that way. And I've been told that he doesn't deserve me. Or that I'll find someone better. But I feel as if it was so abrupt. And he closed that door on me so completely. And I wish I still had him in my life. But I feel like he thought I wasn't good enough.
None of this helped the self esteem issues that I have that he pointed out to me. People told me that they'll protect me if talking to him is too hard to handle. And I shouldn't miss someone who everyone thinks I need protecting from.
But I'm terrified of being alone...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Who I am

I am a nerd.
I am an artist.
I am crazy.
I am lost.
I am searching.
I am yours.
Sincerely Yours.