Thoughts

I hate that Adrian put me in a box category for heartbroken, weepy girls. I hate even more that I seem to fit in that group. I hate that he's still a good person, but I should be able to curse his name at the heavens.
I hate that I still feel fluttery whgen he and I talk, although I wouldn't date him again. I hate that I'm terribly sad when he mentions other girls. I hate that I'm still a mess.
But I knew we weren't right. I knew we wouldn't end up together. But I absolutely refused to end it. I couldn't do it. His cheating was a big, glowing, neon sign that it was time, but I still didn't. It was only when I felt like he was saying that I wasn't good enough that I ended it, in tears.
I missed him. But I survived, didn't I? Don't we all want happiness, don't we all deserve it?
Adrian... He was my first kiss, date, boyfriend, long distance, cheater, and heartbreak. We both had our own issues that we didn't want to share. And I don't think I would undo anything I did. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm a stupid girl, but I refuse to stop believing in fairytales. I want to find mine.

Dynamite

A few nights ago, there was a storm that sounded as if the sky was crashing down.
I've worked, gone to Borders practically every night since I got to camp, and have been waiting for the nonexistent letters people promised to send me.
We dug a hole. Yes, a hole. And it was spectacular. The best hole one could ever hope to dig. And sand chairs. :)
I broke down last night. Not a proud time, just sat on the porch and cried, thinking aabout how pathetic I feel and how awful everything is and how LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG it takes me to just. Move. On.
I've written three letters, received none, and am reading like I always do.
I have a meeting about Blood Born Pathogens in half an hour. Trust me, it sounds better than it is. Probably Borders tonight, a few tears seem inevitable, and movies. Many movies. Maybe a walk alone, just to clear my head. It's so cluttered with useless information, it'll be nice to just do a clean sweep of the stuff that piles up like dynamite. And trust me, that makes sense.

Peacocks

I love peacocks. Don't you? Everyone should. They're beautiful. At least the men are.

The female peacock's are kind of boring, but still beautiful in a very different, simple way.

Even white peacocks are gorgeous. Don't you think so?
http://api.ning.com/files/b8YC7XZ6PZ0IxjYDBmWi2yCHDuqhrYH-lbhn36Pa4xs3Zf7-ol0yXcvEDEccObnQTbvNPkVmPBJ7xcvNXLi0G6Cbm-IaNgeD/WhitePeacock.jpg

Even with their feathers down.

http://ladyprovocateur.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/373_whitepeacock_cropped.jpg

My favourite bird.

Today.

I got my license today. But I don't really care, because I'm going to camp tomorrow and that trumps everything. :)

Cheating on my Journal

I'm not sure.










But I think I'm going to end my journal early to start my next one. I want a seperate summer journal and I have 25 pages left in mine. I go to camp in 2 days........

You make me cry.

You make me smile.

You make me scream.

You make me dance in the rain.

You make me feel useless.

You make me laugh.

You make me feel broken.

You make me fly.

You make me fall apart.

You drive me insane.

Sunrise

She said I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...

I'm tired of the sunset.