Alone

It's not that I miss him.

I miss holding a hand that held mine.
I miss the whispered, "I missed you."
I miss the airtight hugs when we say goodbye.
I miss kissing.
I miss having a boy like me enough to risk my flaws and go for it.
And I really miss that I used to be missed.

I really do......

Confidence

How do they expect me to have self-confidence...

When they don't even have the confidence in me?

Well...

No one new likes me. I don't like me. The only people who like me are the people who liked me when I liked me. Which I don't really anymore. I don't like it. Why do they?

Tomorrow

When tomorrow turned into yesterday, I realized I should do something about it.

But I don't think I know what.

Secret Sunday: 3

I'm only just realizing that this isn't temporary.

I can't expect you to save me anymore.

Here

Dream

Imagine this:

An East Coast town with a strong arts community.

You and me.

An art gallery with a cafe connected on the right. -->

That we own.

We can bake and curate and do art.

It's my dream.

Please say you love it.

Here

Yes

I love it when the staff workers ana a customer at a store help me convince my dad to buy me something.
All because I said, "Come on, dad. It's just one, little, innocent pen."

Fine

I was fine. Until something someone said reminded me of a thirteen-year-old boy in Chicago who I love and miss.

I would like to say I made it at least until the car... But that would be a lie. I didn't even make it through fourth quarter. I didn't stop when I was marching home or when I tripped on the curb and crashed to the ground, snare drum clattering away. I didn't stop when I changed. And it only got worse in the car.

I have never had to pull over or cry like I did. All because of the boy in Chicago.

But he's not allowed to know...

Here

Confirmed

Before, I thought that if it happened, it wouldn't bother me and I could shrug it off...

But having it confirmed changes everything...

Here

Strong

I thought I could be the type of strong girl who speaks her mind...

Here

But I'm losing faith in me.

I just wish they all weren't.

Waiting

Dammit, just kiss her!

She's waiting...

Here

Smile

I don't know why...But cupcakes make the world smile.

Here

Hate Her

I have never disliked someone as much.
There's a girl who I have only heard bad things about. She keeps telling one girl that no one wants her in their homecoming group and that she's being uninvited. The same girl she harrassed has a sunburn on her left cheek. Today, after a band show, she walks up to the girl and says, "Hey _____, you've got something on your face." BAM. She smacks her across the burned side of her face. HARD. And laughs.
The girl she smacked grabbed her cheek and gasped. Her eyes were tearing up.
Not done yet, the evil girl turns to a boy sitting nearby and says, "Hey, hit her left cheek."
At which point, I turned towards her and said, "Hey, don't be a-" BITCH. "Never mind."
I could tell she could hear it coming. But I stopped myself. Because I love and respect her parents and her sisters. And I looked at her and she looks like her sister, who I love.
What I should have said:
"Have some human decency. I have heard nothing good about you this year and you're living up to that image. And it's not flattering. You need to make a good impression when you're new in this school. I'm not impressed with how you act and you should really try to be decent. That's really all I ask."
But I didn't. I turned on my heel and left. I shouldn't have left.

Hesitation

It's amazing...

How I'll never feel good enough.

Because everyone hesitates when they hear my name.

Here

Secret Sunday: 2

Sometimes, I wish I could only worry about making myself happy.
Not everyone else.

Why?

If you feel that way...

Why wait?

Here

Small Things

Today, I saw a man sitting on a bench on Main Street. He was dressed in nice clothes and was smoking a pipe.

I don't know why, but this made me smile.

Here

Jitters

Nerves should seem ridiculous, because you know my answer.

But I understand.
Because you give me jitters...

Here

Here

11:07

Time waits for no one and nothing.

Time has it's own agenda.

Girl

I've never been one to give a boy a flirty note. And I've never been one to flounce.

But I'm slowly becoming that kind of girl.

(And I think I like it.)

Know

I found out that people who aren't required to think I'm beautiful actually think I'm beautiful...

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Because I need to know.

I need to know.

Here

Who

I don't know how to explain myself.
I'm not sure I even know who that is.

Secret Sunday

You said it seems like I want you to be miserable forever.

You're wrong.

I just want you to be miserable longer than me.

Here

A Bit

I had forgotten how loneliness felt. Only for a bit.

Here

Rather...

I'll tell you about my grandmother. But only because I feel it gnawing at my mind....

Which would you rather:
- Have someone you love die.
- Have the same someone alive, but they don't know who you are and you can see their mind slipping.

Because I've dealt with both in the past month.

And I prefer the first.
Then I can pretend she knew me until the end.
And then I don't have to smile like it's okay when I can feel my body swell with the tears I hold behind my eyes.

I know I'm a bad person.

Here

Truth

I'm trying to be honest.

I've heard it's the best policy.

But if ignorance is bliss...

Then what am I doing?

Here

Band

I considered quitting band today. I was in the worst mood. And we had marching practice. And my director blamed me for someone else screwing up.

He actually lectured me in front of the whole band on a microphone about how I should know when to come in on my drum. I did nothing.

It just made my day feel crappy and it made me cry.